Self analysis....

When I am home, I find some way or the other to keep myself engaged. A movie, is always palatable. I have a hunger for good cinema. If not a movie, then a good book.A good book that entails some hours of contemplation. I analyse.I over analyse, to be precise... Then, if I have nothing to do, I flip through my old diary...

I flip through its stained pages, through those scribblings that once made so much sense, a few newspaper cuttings that lie in between the pages, a few excerpts, quotations that were then my "pearls of wisdom"...

Sometimes, I wonder with awe "have I written this diary?"
While I go through the writes, it appears as if its a stroll down an oblivion lane, where memories are lying comatose. Memories that haven't withered but drooped with time... I sprinkle some water on them in the form of my recollections and they flower once again...

I intently observe my handwriting... I used to write so lavishly... my words were expansive, voluminous...they took ample space... Only 5-6 words could fit in one broad line.. I generously used space...

My letters were so legible, so very cursive. My "t"s slashed elegantly, the tail of my "y"s coiled perfectly... like a long prehensile tail of a chameleon, my capital "A"s drawn with an artistic , reckless yet perfect flair, my "S"s shaped finely etcetera... It looks as if I took special care to perfect my letters, as if I had no dearth of time, as if my letters were my ballerinas and they danced to my tunes...

Now, I see my handwriting...Its dismal... so business like... There's a certain hurriedness in it, a chaotic disorder... words left incomplete... words acronymed, shortened and thus killed... No one can savor their taste or smell... Letters seem to scuttle throughout on the pages... They go off the line, here there... somehow just scribbled... Now, i don't squander space. I write my letters small, my words compacted to fit in 9-10 or even more in one average lengthed line...

Well, that was a too intricate, an analysis...

Getting back to my old diary... I saw few solitary signatures... One page that is completely given to a proud signature of mine... A megalomaniac's signature... A sign swelling with pride,with recklessness and with an artistic elegance... Ceative signatures,those were!

I come across certain "words of wisdom" mostly penned down by me and a few borrowed from the greats like Einstein, Gandhi and Ford... I wondered if I could still imbibe wisdom from those... They didn't ring the same way in my ears as they used to do then...

I came across this little piece, that I still admire (though not THAT fervently as I used to, but still)
"Sometimes, you want to masquerade behind a veil. Sometimes, you want to assume an unknown identity to hide."

what made me write this?.. I have never encouraged pretension but this "veil" for a while, didn't bother me...

Then, I saw a few incoherent doodlings on my diary...at some lone corners... They were not bad..

Coming on to the pieces that I wrote... those writes were screaming their lungs out to say "See, I might lack on content...But my vocabulary is undeniably awesome!" wrds were forcefully stuffed and the theme died right in its incipient stages... Behind a self proclaiming vocabulary, the content lacked..Completely... Things that could be said in a line or two were stretched longer to an extent that they lost their crispness, their elasticity. They sagged...

Some contents made sense...they were quite readable...especially the "lovelorn thoughts" ... The romantic lines, on the other hand, were nauseating and sheer balder-dash!
I came across this write (that I think is "somewhat" better from the rest):-

"Like the hearth that burns
and consumes splinters of wood
in its pyro maniacal joy,
a similar fire burns in me!

A vengeful fire,
set ablaze to burn you,
is burning me from within.

I harbour fatal injuries,
unseen blisters.
I choke,
I am ash."

I have been good at such gothic themes... Gore, death and darkness have always enticed me...

Another good piece that I wrote then,
"A shroud called Life,
covers an otherwise dead me"

I find it quite creative... I envy the creativity that went behind this... but then, I have penned it! Why am I envying me? :P

Things that I used to and I still write about are very abstract... They follow a certain stream of consciousness... I endeavor to dissect out my sub conscious whenever I write a piece...
The conscious mind is disgustingly superficial... The sub conscious is deep, is unfathomable, in fact...

Yes, I found out a few unaddressed love letters too.. They were an interesting read but somewhat "over the top"... Very maudlin! :D

Then there was an unabashed post on "Periods"... Haha! That's my personal favorite...I shall post it on my blog someday...
Okay, I have been drumming myfingers for a while to type down this retarded post..I need rest...
See you, in my next

Little incidents, hefty realizations...

You are given a  body with a spirit within. The primary purpose of your existence is to keep that spirit burning… For that, one needs to keep his body healthy… and when you are given a body, these pesky mortal ailments come as freebies.. You need to take care of those too…

These ailments are big time impediments, you gotta fight them any how…

Today, I have had too many realizations… too many, for my mind, to deal with… Its easy to rant philosophy…you go on bla-blaing but the real understanding happens when you are in a REAL situation…

Today, I have a fever… I feel a slight tremble in my body…I witness fleeting shivers, infrequently though.  I have been coughing and sneezing maniacally… I feel a very cumbersome load on my head.

The air of the room still remains oppressive. My roommates aren’t here… Mamma isn’t here… This is kinda my "first fever” where I am left to deal with everything alone… Interestingly, no one paid me a visit… none of my classmates came to my room… not even an "artificial" concern… Well, I didn’t expect anything of that sort,  either… But, I had expected something, a very little something from a girl named K… Surprisingly, she seemed unconcerned… That hurt me…just a little… Nothing more…

That was Realization number 1. “People , generally, are self conceited and there are people who outdo me in that front… I thought I was the most self conceited person on earth…but, no … I have some serious competitors there”

I usually, wash all my clothes on the very day itself.. I don’t pile them over…but this week, I had piled them over… Bed sheets, dresses et al…summed up to a dozen atleast... It was too hectic for me… Yet, I managed somehow…

I realized , “when I am decided to do something, I am at loggerheads…  I might complain, I might whine…but at the end of the day, I fight it…and I win..everytime!”

On account of weekends, most of the rooms in my lobby are locked… I am not friends with my neighbors but somehow, I smile when I see them every morning… We hardly ever exchange words… I missed passing that smile this morning…

Realization :- “We unknowingly get used to insignificant things”


Then there was a power cut at around 9 pm. It was unusual… I didn’t fret… I mechanically went out of my room..There wasn’t the minutest ray of light … I relied on my feet… I knew they would take me to the verandah… I went blindly following my feet and thankfully, I didn’t hit anything on the way… There is a cot in the verandah and I sat on it… The power was back in minutes…

Realization :- “ Darkness doesn't frighten me anymore.”

Then, I gulped down a few tablets… Tried to sleep…but couldn’t… *Background music:- Heal my wounds- Poets of the Fall”… I felt *unreasonable* tears in my eyes… Called Mamma and I was astonished to see myself,  bawling like a five year old… Mom was worried… She knew that I was unwell… I cried so much over phone that I was literally panting… My hands trembled… I couldn’t talk more… I kept the phone down and asked Mamma to call me in the morning… I tried to sleep.. I slept..

Then, all of a sudden,  slumber eluded me… I woke up… saw 4 SMSes in my inbox… I replied none… I attended one call… I saw myself smiling plastically throughout that 4 minute conversation…

And, now, I am drumming my fingers on the keyboard..Typing this shit!

Realization :-"There are things that you do without any clue. You do them mechanically."