Trash

I am too inarticulate, a speaker… I can hardly strike on conversations and I find it pretty hard to sustain one… I barely have anything to put in… Either I agree with what they say by merely repeating their words in a somewhat modified manner, or I smile… I smile when I disagree… I gently nod my head and let it be whenever I find something too obnoxious to digest… I hate arguments and I feel correcting someone isn’t my business… However, when I am offended, I make it a point that I shall talk less and gesticulate more… The discomfort comes on my face on its own… My eyebrows knit , my nose wrinkles on their own… However hard I might try, I find it too hard to conceal my anger, at times… This happens when I accost a real disgusting situation or I confront someone who I can’t stand , at all, at any cost… Though such people are very less in number…but they are there…

I often wonder why my face betrays me and spills the beans… I find it next to impossible to straighten up my facial expressions when I am really very angry (happens seldom though)… I try to undo the knit of my eyebrows but they stay knitted… Similarly, the nose stays wrinkled… It takes an ample time to bring them back to normalcy…

Then besides these, I find it hard to “talk”… Not because of some inferiority complex or something…but because I find talking to be unnecessary… People, I find around, mostly talk about things that don’t come within the gamut of my “code of conduct”… Yeah, I have devised a code of conduct exclusively for me… I can feel how uncomfortable I make it for others… If I am reading or listening to music, I shall go on doing that for hours together and the person with me makes his disconcert evident.. Indirectly and non verbally though… He shall cough intermittently and purposely to drive my attention towards him… Its not that I simply don’t acknowledge such cues… I do… I swear I do but I fail to make any attempt… At times, the person simply walks away and I feel much relieved… not because the person has walked away and left me alone but because he has given my conscience a respite… a relief that I am no longer inflicting torture on him with my silence , that is usually taken as my disinterest or worse , as my  pride…

 These are not my whims but sheer facts… I have been told this a myriad number of times by people around… I have been berated, implored, earnestly requested to get rid of my idiosyncrasies… But why should I? I am adamant, I agree…

I don’t depend on people… I have very few friends with whom, I admit, I don’t share a very strong bond… I meet them, I laugh, I enjoy to the fullest and then I forget… I am a narcissist, I daresay and I don’t have qualms about it…

Memories don’t haunt me either… I am soaked in my thoughts so much so that there is hardly any space for a memory to nest in my mind… I enjoy my solitude… I don’t quite acknowledge what the world thinks of me… “Appreciation or criticism” both mean the same and I treat both similarly i.e.  I don’t acknowledge both..

Is this arrogance? May be… I don’t quite care…